The BEST day to DIE.

Hey God!

I fucking hate this life.

Just a few hours ago, I witnessed how the loan shark disrespected my mother thru a phone conversation.

It broke my heart, but I did not stop him. Why? Because my mother is wrong. She borrowed money, promised to pay it, promised to pay it, promised to pay it, promised to pay it, but she did not keep her promise. 

She is my mother, and I should defend her but she is wrong. Whichever side I try to look at it, she is wrong. 

You might say that it is just a debt and he should not have done that. But you are wrong.

My mother has a lot of debts. And we do not know where the money went.

We are in great fucking debt to the point that we receive death threats for not being able to pay it. 

And just a few moments ago, I had a fight with my mom thru text message, telling her to stop getting a loan. Well, I have been telling her to shut the store and the salon since last season because the fucking truth is, the ROI has been long dead. 

I NEVER WANTED THIS KIND OF LIFE.

NO ONE WILL EVER WANT THIS KIND OF FUCKED UP LIFE,

People tell me that I am a cold--hearted bitch, but they did not know the story behind this frozen heart. 

Is it possible to swap my family with a new one?

Why did you give a bunch of narrow-minded and lazy people?

My mother is an egotistical loan addict.

My father is a lazy bastard who has low self-esteem and yeah a freaking karera addict

My gay brother is soooo maluho 

The next brother is a lazy bastard who has low self-esteem like my father and head-over-heels on his 

girlfriend to the point that makes him dysfunctional.

And the youngest one? My favorite, he may be bulakbol, mabarkada but he is madiskarte, he is smart and a go-getter, my mini-me. 

I did not ask to have a rich life. No. I just want to live a simple life where our needs are met and we don’t have to beg for loan from other people. Where my parents has a normal 9-5 job and my brothers knows the reality of the world. 

Why do I feel like, I am alone? Why do I feel like I live in a world where no one understands me? 

Did I mention to you that everyday, I always have to remind myself not to end my life? That this is not the perfect day to die. The perfect day to commit suicide.

People see me as jolly, funny, sociable, but fuck it, I am dying inside. Every smile I make kills me inside. 

I just want this to end.

I fucking want this to end. 

I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

I don’t want this kind of life anymore. 

BUT

I told you to let Your will be done.

Is this part of your will, my Lord?

I don’t know if I can still take it, but please give me strength and more patience to trust in Your plans my Lord. 

I feel worst.

BUT I do not know how worse the others are experiencing.

I feel like I whine too much when what I am experiencing right now might not be the worst compared to some. 

Am I really brave enough to take the path that I asked from You?

I am the worst daughter, sister and human.

BUT I just asked for a simple life, why is that so hard?

Because the life of Christ, the road you paved my Lord won’t be an easy journey, I have to carry my own cross to follow You. 

This is not the life I wanted, but I have to live it. 

I just hope that the day won’t come that I have to tell myself, this is the best day to die.

A Letter To The Man Whose Name Means "Manly & Brave"

You are like a painting.

Hard to figure out. Hard to understand. Hard to discern. 

One moment you are this, next moment you are that. It depends on the lighting, depends on the perspective of the viewer, depends on the mood. 

It is totally confusing. 

I was a girl with a broken heart. No, let me rephrase that, I was a girl with a badly beaten almost dying heart.

Three awful heartbreaks, excluded the one that I have for Channing Tatum, then I met you. 

My first love, the man I had for 2 years left me for no reason.

Then came my childhood crush, courted me, made me fall in love with him again, he awaken that little girl in me who is so infatuated in him, he got me, but then I found out that it was all a game, it was all a bet. I was just a bet, a bet he had with his friends, a bet, who'll be able to get her first.

Then came the world, geo, geography, geometry, geology. You put my broken heart back to pieces, you tape it all back just so it can function again.You made me believe that I am still capable of loving someone, that I am still capable of being loved. I felt like I am a girl who deserves to be courted.

You became my joy, you became my happiness, you became my world. But then, just like them, you broke me, worst than they did to me, you ruined the trust, the love, the care that I worked hard to force in me, just so I can be whole again. You made believe that I am the only one, but all this time I was the mistress. You made me live in the lie that you are already done with her, but you were not you were reserving me so if ever she will left you, you won't be alone and lonely, but fuck you because you fucked me up so bad.

I became a "man hater". I started doubting love. I started doubting relationships. I started losing the confidence that I built so hard for myself.

Love became a vague notion in my life. Trust became a concept. 

Years have passed and I never thought I'll be able to experience those feelings that is now so alien to me. 

Then, I met you. 

You changed the way I view things, the way I view love. You made me see that my heart is still capable of beating even though it was badly beaten.But this time, you did not fix my broken heart, you gave me drugs to help it heal.

You are my kind of drug. You are my drug. You help me heal but too much of you will be the death of me.

Even though I know that you're influence will change me, I still keep on clinging to you, because like a drug, you're addicting.

I thought I found a man who can make me feel I am loved. But that was just a thought.

You said: "I like you." 

I said: "I like you too." but in the back of my mind, I more than like you.

But you never, said that you want to be with me.

You're just there, stuck in that notion that you like me. 

And I am here waiting to be yours, and I know. I know, that will never happen.

Because just like me you are afraid to commit.

You are afraid to give your heart again.

The only difference is I take the risk and you didn't.

Why do you keep on saying that you like me? That you care for me? But you don't want to be with me.

And then it hit me, you said you like me but not love me. There is a difference between that.

There was a huge discrepancy between the way I feel for you and the way you feel for me.

And then you showed me your true colors, just like an illegal drug, you don't help me, you will destroy me.

You just want, what every damn guy in the world wants. Sex. That small little world that can either strengthen or weaken your relationship.

But, we don't have one do we?

You cared. You liked. You were sweet. You were thoughtful. Because you just want sex.

Your name means manly and brave, you are indeed a man and you are brave, so brave to take your chance in getting the trust of that wrecked girl who needs solace and love, even though you knew there is only a 1% chance that you will succeed. So, indeed you are brave because you succeeded knowing you only have the little possibility of getting the goal. 

I tried searching for the other meaning of your name again, and I came across this one:

The best friend you can have. He's smart, creative, funny, good-looking, charming. 

He has well-defined moral values. He is serious and reliable. He will help you at any time. 

If you meet him, he will make your life much better. 

Although impulsive and difficult at times, he is worth putting up with this. 

Cherish him :)

Funny how ironic it is, because that is the way I can see underneath you, I wonder if I am that one who wrote and I just had selective amnesia that is why I can't remember it. Or probably another woman also met you and saw that side of yours not because he can see you beyond that fuck boy aura but because it is the one you showed her. Life is truly unfair.

I kept on asking myself, where did I go wrong? 

I gave you everything, I did things I never do to all the men who passed by in my life. I gave you my heart even though I won't have anything left with me. 

What is it that you can't see in me?

I am smart, I know I do not have that Liza Soberano beauty, but I know that I am beautiful, I know my personality is not like an angel, but I can brag that I am a good person. 

But, why can't you love me back?

Scary to know, but I saw us having a future together, us getting married and having kids. But the future I can see is not the same with the future that you can see. I am not part of your future. 

How pathetic do I sound right now? I am hopelessly, irrevocably  and stupidly in love with you. And you don't give a damn. 

I'll stop now, when I still have a love left for myself. I still have that little respect that I have for myself. 

I really thought you are that manly and brave man that I fancied. Manly and brave in the way I understand it. But, you are manly and brave in your own way. 

I thought we live in the same world, after all the sacrifices I realized that I am the only one in the world I thought you are also part of. 

Cliché  as it sounds. Dramatic as it looks. Just like in a song that I love, I have to bid my farewell to you.

I love you, goodbye, Andrei. 

WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE PISSED OFF AT YOUR BOSS?

We all have been in that unfortunate situation that you just want to end whatever life your boss has, but that is not a good plan anyhow, so you might want to think an alternative for that. Getting mad, that is natural, we are humans. 

1. Calm down, you need to calm the f down, punching the asshat won't do you any good.
2. Calm down again, because it will take time for you to calm down, trust me, been there done that.
3. I know that just staying in your seat while cooling down is not really enough to get that rage out of you, so just curse the person in your mind and do whatever scenario you want, that way you are safe from being fired. Unless your boss has mental telepathy, then you are so dead. 
4. If you have the guts, go confront your boss and ask her, what the fuck is wrong? But, please remove the word "fuck". And make sure that you are already cooled down, before you confront him/her, being emotional during conversation is so-not-professional.
5. Get a piece of paper and write your boss' name and write down every reason why you are pissed at him/her, then tear it and burn it with your boss' body, just kidding, just burning the hate paper will do. 
6. Find a friend you can trust and talk to about the situation, not someone who can add fuel to the fire, but a level-headed person that can alleviate that anger. 
7. Don't let your boss see that you are pissed, that bitch might be laughing inside because technically she won the emotional Olympic, you will look a like a sore loser, man up and let her see that you are having the swaggest time of your life. *smirk*
8. Don't spread rumors or gossips, you don't want to stoop down to that level. It does not do good on you, if you think it will help you make your boss look bad it is actually the other side of it. So, think twice.
9. Be professional at all times.
10. Follow number 9. 

TAMA NA.

Ayaw ko na.

Itigil na natin ito.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ko nahugot ang lakas ng loob na putulin ang kung ano mang mayroon sa ating dalawa.

Ang alam ko lamang ay gusto ko ng kumawala.

Kumawala sa mundong ikaw mismo ang gumawa

At sumira

Sumira ng pag-asang may pag-asa tayong dalawa

Gusto mo na bang itigil ito?

Tatlong araw kong pinag-isipan

Binalikan

Ang tanong na gumulo sa kung ano mang mayroon tayo

Ayaw ko na.

Itigil na natin ito.

Dalawang oras kong paulit ulit na isinusulat at binubura

Malalim na pinag isipan kung handa na ba akong tapusin ang kung ano mang mayroon tayo

Heto na naman ako sa salitang tayo

Walang tayo

Kaya nga tinigil ko na

Tinapos ko na

Kung ano man ang mayroon sa ating dalawa

Tama na!

Tama na!

Sigaw ng isipan ko sa puso ko.

Tama na!

Maawa ka!

Hindi ko alam kung nung tinapos ko at ang nabunot na tinik sa dibidib ko ay dahil gusto ko na talagang tapusin o gusto ko lang na ako ay iyong habulin

Ngunit hindi mo ginawa.

WALA KANG GINAWA.

Ipinamukha mong wala akong lugar sa buhay mo

Na wala lang ang lahat

Na isa lang akong pagpipilian

Parausan

Habulin mo ako...

Hinihintay ko lang na habulin mo ako...

Pigilan mo ako

Huwag mo ako hayaang mawala sa buhay mo

Dahil walang pag aalinlangan.

Babalik ako. Babalik ako sayo.

Kahit isang malaking katangahan, gagawin ko.

Ipakita mo lang na importante ako sayo

Ipakita mo lang na may lugar ako sa buhay mo

Sabihin mo lang na may patutunguhan yung 'tayo'

Sabihin mo lang na magkakaroon ng 'tayo'

Kahit nga wala ng 'tayo'

Magpapakatanga akong muli para sayo. 

Ano nga ba tayo?

Ano nga ba tayo? 

Tanong na paulit ulit na umiikot sa utak ko

Tayo na ba o hindi pa?

Nanliligaw ka ba?

Ano nga ba talaga?

Hinawakan mo ang kamay ko.

Niyakap mo ako ng mahigpit, mainit hanggang magising ako.

Hinagkan mo ang mga labi ko.

Pinatibok ang natutulog kong puso.

Ano nga ba tayo?

Pinupuntahan mo ako sa opisina.

Araw ko'y palagi mong kinakamusta.

Ingat ka.

Kumain ka.

Mahalaga ka.

Espesyal ka.

Gusto din kita.

Gusto mo din pala ako. Pero ano nga ba tayo?

Kasi ang gulo.

Ang komplikado ng ganito.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta.

Saan ako lulugar sa buhay mo.

Ano nga ba tayo?

MU tayo.

MU?

Ano yun?

Kinakain ba yun?

Estado ba ng relasyon yun?

Anong ibig sabihin nun?

Dapat ko bang ikatuwa na MU tayo?

Na MU LANG tayo?

Matapos mong iparamdam ang lahat ng ito. MU LANG TAYO?

MU? 

Yan tayo.

Malabong usapan.

Malanding ugnayan

Mayroon na parang wala.

Yan tayo.

Bakit mo ako pinapaikot?

Dinadala?

Nilulunod?

Sa mga mabubulaklak mong salita.

Saan ba ito patutungo?

Kasi naguguluhan na ako

Nalilito na ako

Nawawala na ako sa ulirat sa tuwing tinanong ko sa sarili kong....

Ano nga ba talaga tayo?

Saan ba tayo patungo?

O may patutunguhan nga ba tayo?

Tayo?

Ano yun? May ganoon ba sa ating dalawa? Ang tayo?

Ang alam ko lang merong ikaw at ako.

Pero walang tayo.

Kaya ngayon alam ko na ang sagot sa tanong na, ano nga ba tayo? 

Walang tayo. 

Mayroong ako na nagmamahal sayo.

Mayroong ikaw na pinapaikot ako sa mundo mo hangga't may pakinabang pa ako sayo.

Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo.

Di mo na kailangan pang sagutin ang tanong kung ano nga ba tayo.

Ako naman ang sasagot sa tanong mo na isinagot mo sa tanong ko.

Kung gusto ko na bang itigil ito?

Ayaw ko pero OO.

Ayaw ko dahil mamamatay ako kapag nawala ka.

Mamamatay ang puso ko kasama ang pag-asa na binuo mo gamit ang iyong talentadong dila.

Mamamatay ang ako na nabuo dahil sayo.

Mamamatay ang katawang lupa na meron pala ako.

Ayaw ko dahil pinaramdam mong kaya kong magmahal ng isang katulad mo.

Ngunit ayaw ko dahil di ko kayang makitang may kasama ka ng iba, ayaw ko...

Ayaw ko.

Ayaw ko.

Ayaw ko.

Pero OO dahil kailangan ko.

Dahil ayaw kong mamatay ang natitirang pagmamahal na mayroon ako para sa sarili ko.

Dahil ayun na lang ang pinanghahawakan ko.

Para wag sumuko.

Sa mundong akala ko'y mayroong tayo.

Sa mundong ako lang pala ang tao.

****

My Entry to the Love Letters That I Never Sent

BLEPP 2016 Realization-My Confession

Hello po,

I just want to share something, when my friend who is going to take the board exam for ece talked to me about his distress in the upcoming boards, his pressure because I already pass the psychometrician board exam, I gave him words to motivate him and calm him. And while I was talking to him, I realized something, and I don't know if it is applicable to all, but I realized that there are only 2 types of people who failed the exam, the one who did not prepare and the one who did not believe. You can be prepared and then you didn't believe, or you believed, but you did not prepare, but it won't be an assurance that you will pass. It should be a mix of both, and then that is when God will intervene.

Review centers are great sources of foundation and preparation, but it won't be an assurance that you will pass. I do believe that review centers are just there to guide you and help you. Review centers are the ones who will pave the path, but they will not be the one to walk the path, it will be you. So, you should be the one to exert an effort not them. Review centers will prepare you for the big day, but they won't be the one to take the exam, it will be you, so you should be the one who is doing the work and not them. Don't just rely on what they give to you, study on your own, read and read and read.

These are my realizations after the exam, after the results. Because you cannot ask for a rain if you are not prepared for the rain. :)


Almost Girl, RPm
UE

P.S.

I don't know if you are going to share it or not. Either way, thanks. I just need an outlet. Hindi po kasi ako makapagshare sa friends ko niyan kasi they failed the exam and I don't want to offend them or make them think na mayabang ako. If you are asking why, Almost, kasi I'm an almost latin awardee, Magna Cum Laude pero I was technically disqualified kasi nag stop ako ng pag aaral. And my grades for the boards are so almost, 84,86,87,76.  And almost po palagi ang estado ng love life ko.


Thank you, I just need an outlet. Ang tagal ko na pong gusto ilabas ito simula pa nung lumabas ung results. :) I feel better now. God Bless you po!

I cancelled a date today because of the monsters in my head...

I cancelled a date just because I don't feel like myself today and I don't feel like living today or even staying awake. Because the monsters in my head are back again they were never gone just hiding and waiting when I'm vulnerable again, so they can take over, fully take over me, just because...I don't want to keep on living anymore. Again.