The BEST day to DIE.

Hey God!

I fucking hate this life.

Just a few hours ago, I witnessed how the loan shark disrespected my mother thru a phone conversation.

It broke my heart, but I did not stop him. Why? Because my mother is wrong. She borrowed money, promised to pay it, promised to pay it, promised to pay it, promised to pay it, but she did not keep her promise. 

She is my mother, and I should defend her but she is wrong. Whichever side I try to look at it, she is wrong. 

You might say that it is just a debt and he should not have done that. But you are wrong.

My mother has a lot of debts. And we do not know where the money went.

We are in great fucking debt to the point that we receive death threats for not being able to pay it. 

And just a few moments ago, I had a fight with my mom thru text message, telling her to stop getting a loan. Well, I have been telling her to shut the store and the salon since last season because the fucking truth is, the ROI has been long dead. 

I NEVER WANTED THIS KIND OF LIFE.

NO ONE WILL EVER WANT THIS KIND OF FUCKED UP LIFE,

People tell me that I am a cold--hearted bitch, but they did not know the story behind this frozen heart. 

Is it possible to swap my family with a new one?

Why did you give a bunch of narrow-minded and lazy people?

My mother is an egotistical loan addict.

My father is a lazy bastard who has low self-esteem and yeah a freaking karera addict

My gay brother is soooo maluho 

The next brother is a lazy bastard who has low self-esteem like my father and head-over-heels on his 

girlfriend to the point that makes him dysfunctional.

And the youngest one? My favorite, he may be bulakbol, mabarkada but he is madiskarte, he is smart and a go-getter, my mini-me. 

I did not ask to have a rich life. No. I just want to live a simple life where our needs are met and we don’t have to beg for loan from other people. Where my parents has a normal 9-5 job and my brothers knows the reality of the world. 

Why do I feel like, I am alone? Why do I feel like I live in a world where no one understands me? 

Did I mention to you that everyday, I always have to remind myself not to end my life? That this is not the perfect day to die. The perfect day to commit suicide.

People see me as jolly, funny, sociable, but fuck it, I am dying inside. Every smile I make kills me inside. 

I just want this to end.

I fucking want this to end. 

I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

I don’t want this kind of life anymore. 

BUT

I told you to let Your will be done.

Is this part of your will, my Lord?

I don’t know if I can still take it, but please give me strength and more patience to trust in Your plans my Lord. 

I feel worst.

BUT I do not know how worse the others are experiencing.

I feel like I whine too much when what I am experiencing right now might not be the worst compared to some. 

Am I really brave enough to take the path that I asked from You?

I am the worst daughter, sister and human.

BUT I just asked for a simple life, why is that so hard?

Because the life of Christ, the road you paved my Lord won’t be an easy journey, I have to carry my own cross to follow You. 

This is not the life I wanted, but I have to live it. 

I just hope that the day won’t come that I have to tell myself, this is the best day to die.