You are like a painting.
Hard to figure out. Hard to understand. Hard to discern.
One moment you are this, next moment you are that. It depends on the lighting, depends on the perspective of the viewer, depends on the mood.
It is totally confusing.
I was a girl with a broken heart. No, let me rephrase that, I was a girl with a badly beaten almost dying heart.
Three awful heartbreaks, excluded the one that I have for Channing Tatum, then I met you.
My first love, the man I had for 2 years left me for no reason.
Then came my childhood crush, courted me, made me fall in love with him again, he awaken that little girl in me who is so infatuated in him, he got me, but then I found out that it was all a game, it was all a bet. I was just a bet, a bet he had with his friends, a bet, who'll be able to get her first.
Then came the world, geo, geography, geometry, geology. You put my broken heart back to pieces, you tape it all back just so it can function again.You made me believe that I am still capable of loving someone, that I am still capable of being loved. I felt like I am a girl who deserves to be courted.
You became my joy, you became my happiness, you became my world. But then, just like them, you broke me, worst than they did to me, you ruined the trust, the love, the care that I worked hard to force in me, just so I can be whole again. You made believe that I am the only one, but all this time I was the mistress. You made me live in the lie that you are already done with her, but you were not you were reserving me so if ever she will left you, you won't be alone and lonely, but fuck you because you fucked me up so bad.
I became a "man hater". I started doubting love. I started doubting relationships. I started losing the confidence that I built so hard for myself.
Love became a vague notion in my life. Trust became a concept.
Years have passed and I never thought I'll be able to experience those feelings that is now so alien to me.
Then, I met you.
You changed the way I view things, the way I view love. You made me see that my heart is still capable of beating even though it was badly beaten.But this time, you did not fix my broken heart, you gave me drugs to help it heal.
You are my kind of drug. You are my drug. You help me heal but too much of you will be the death of me.
Even though I know that you're influence will change me, I still keep on clinging to you, because like a drug, you're addicting.
I thought I found a man who can make me feel I am loved. But that was just a thought.
You said: "I like you."
I said: "I like you too." but in the back of my mind, I more than like you.
But you never, said that you want to be with me.
You're just there, stuck in that notion that you like me.
And I am here waiting to be yours, and I know. I know, that will never happen.
Because just like me you are afraid to commit.
You are afraid to give your heart again.
The only difference is I take the risk and you didn't.
Why do you keep on saying that you like me? That you care for me? But you don't want to be with me.
And then it hit me, you said you like me but not love me. There is a difference between that.
There was a huge discrepancy between the way I feel for you and the way you feel for me.
And then you showed me your true colors, just like an illegal drug, you don't help me, you will destroy me.
You just want, what every damn guy in the world wants. Sex. That small little world that can either strengthen or weaken your relationship.
But, we don't have one do we?
You cared. You liked. You were sweet. You were thoughtful. Because you just want sex.
Your name means manly and brave, you are indeed a man and you are brave, so brave to take your chance in getting the trust of that wrecked girl who needs solace and love, even though you knew there is only a 1% chance that you will succeed. So, indeed you are brave because you succeeded knowing you only have the little possibility of getting the goal.
I tried searching for the other meaning of your name again, and I came across this one:
The best friend you can have. He's smart, creative, funny, good-looking, charming.
He has well-defined moral values. He is serious and reliable. He will help you at any time.
If you meet him, he will make your life much better.
Although impulsive and difficult at times, he is worth putting up with this.
Cherish him :)
Funny how ironic it is, because that is the way I can see underneath you, I wonder if I am that one who wrote and I just had selective amnesia that is why I can't remember it. Or probably another woman also met you and saw that side of yours not because he can see you beyond that fuck boy aura but because it is the one you showed her. Life is truly unfair.
I kept on asking myself, where did I go wrong?
I gave you everything, I did things I never do to all the men who passed by in my life. I gave you my heart even though I won't have anything left with me.
What is it that you can't see in me?
I am smart, I know I do not have that Liza Soberano beauty, but I know that I am beautiful, I know my personality is not like an angel, but I can brag that I am a good person.
But, why can't you love me back?
Scary to know, but I saw us having a future together, us getting married and having kids. But the future I can see is not the same with the future that you can see. I am not part of your future.
How pathetic do I sound right now? I am hopelessly, irrevocably and stupidly in love with you. And you don't give a damn.
I'll stop now, when I still have a love left for myself. I still have that little respect that I have for myself.
I really thought you are that manly and brave man that I fancied. Manly and brave in the way I understand it. But, you are manly and brave in your own way.
I thought we live in the same world, after all the sacrifices I realized that I am the only one in the world I thought you are also part of.
Cliché as it sounds. Dramatic as it looks. Just like in a song that I love, I have to bid my farewell to you.
I love you, goodbye, Andrei.
