Phase 1- My Story
In
a world where no one understands you, it is difficult to live. In a world where
they call you a b**ch because you are domineering, it is degrading. In a world
where no one understands your idea and classifies you as a nerd, it is
discouraging. In a world where your passion is not accepted as being normal, it
is demeaning. In a world where being sarcastic is called as having a smart
mouth, it is suffocating. Being an assertive female, intellectually competent,
powerful or in short an alpha female, believe me they will call you every
negative name they can think of.
They
all say that I have no social life, that my life is boring, because I rarely
went out with them to have a drink or just to hang-out, because the free time I
have I dedicate that to cope up with my sleep, or to do the tasks ahead of time
so as to not cram on the day it is due or most of the time I help my family
with our business. I do know that my social life is not something to be
worthwhile for other people.
I don’t even know why I’m ranting right now
and not just tell you what I’m supposed to tell you, I guess it is hard because
I don’t know how. What is my life story right now, apart from the thesis we are
making and the struggle of being an Octoberian graduate (hopefully)? Maybe I
just want to tell you, how frustrated I ‘am right now. I’m so frustrated at
myself for being frustrated most of the time; I know it is confusing but it is
really like that. I always think that there is something wrong with me, that my
friends is staying away from me because there is something wrong with me or I
did something wrong with them, I think I’m becoming so frustratingly suspicious
at everyone. Another thing, I easily get angry, mostly because of stupidity (I
really hate stupidity), that is why when people asks me stupid question, I
really pray so hard that it will not hit a nerve in me because I’ll just lose
it (which happens most of the time), I’m so impatient and so frustratingly
perfectionists, not really the stereotype perfectionists everyone thinks but
for me as long as it can be perfected, then do it, I don’t like getting the job
done for the sake of getting it done, I want it to be presentable enough. And lastly,
I get frustrated because I can’t find anyone who can understand why I am like
this. These characteristics I have are
frustrating on my part and I know with other people too.
In
a nutshell, I’m extremely moody and lonely. One moment I’m happy and next I’m exasperated.
And most of the time, I’m sad. Most of the time I think lowly of myself, I
always think I’m not good enough, I do not know if it because I’m so burn out
of finishing my degree or is it because that I think that after this degree, I
have bigger problems to face or is it just there is something wrong with me or maybe
because I don’t know where to put myself in this smug world. As you can see
even my narration has its ups and down, one moment I’m so proud of myself and
then, I’m not. I’m aware but I just do not know how to stop myself or if I
should stop myself. Most of the time, I’m thinking of just ending it. But then,
a thought will pop out of my head and tell me that it is not worth it and I
still have a lot to do.
Or
maybe I have been departed from my books for a long time now, that I have no
time to unwind. Or maybe I’m just tired of this life, because I think nobody
understand me, because they all think that I’m not capable of being wrong and
that I should not do anything wrong, that I’m tough enough to handle my
problem, but maybe they are all wrong, even the tough ones’ crumble too. I just
hope someone will see that even though I look so strong that inside I’m already
broken and fragile.
Phase 2- Reconstructing
In
a world where no one understands you, it is difficult to live but it doesn’t
mean you have to stop living, so live. In a world where they call you a b**ch
because you are domineering, it is degrading but still put your head up high
someone will look up to you, just wait. In a world where no one understands your
idea and classifies you as a nerd, it is discouraging but don’t give up, great
ideas comes from great minds. In a world where your passion is not accepted as
being normal, it is demeaning but continue being passionate it is part of the
process of being successful. In a world where being sarcastic is called as
having a smart mouth, it is suffocating but still speak up and let the world
hear your voice, after all sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Being an
assertive female, intellectually competent, powerful or in short an alpha
female, believe me they will call you every negative name they can think of but
it is alright names will be names, but influenced will have different repercussions,
even Abraham Lincoln, the most famous U.S president has his own bashers but
still he is the most influential president there is.
They
all say that I have no social life, that my life is boring, because I rarely
went out with them to have a drink or just to hang-out, because the free time I
have I dedicate that to cope up with my sleep, or to do the tasks ahead of time
so as to not cram on the day it is due or most of the time I help my family
with our business. I do know that my social life is not something to be
worthwhile for other people. But for me that is not enough, for me relaxation
is reading a good novel, having fun is getting immersed with the story of the
characters and socializing is seeing the perspective of other people through
the different point-of-views I read. Others will not call it socializing but for
me it can be categorized as one. And I dispute what they claim as ‘no social
life’, I do have one, which is the time when I interact with them in school
that is enough for me.
I guess my life revolves around my
dreams and my goals. I always make sure that whatever I do it is directed
towards my goal, and that is to learn and to do my passions, which are reading
and writing. That is why if I could have a choice of not finishing this degree
without being judged by the society and without disappointing my parents, I
would rather sit in a well-lit corner or library and read a book or finish the
stories I’m writing. I try to have fun in school as long as I know I’m
learning, because that is what I’m after and not the grades, though that is a
plus factor for me.
How would I correct myself? First, I
would get some sleep; I guess my brain is creating unreasonable, illogical,
out-of-this world thoughts that are surprisingly devastatingly written like
that. And if sleep will not alleviate me with these depressing thoughts, I
think I should take a break for my mind and soul. I need to relax, and that is
I do not know how, maybe after this semester I could get that. Taking major
subjects for one whole year, without any minor subjects is really tiring and can
make a person think that things are hopeless.
Then,
I think I just have to shut the voices in my head, I know it is hard but I
think I need to do that before it is too late. Also, I should not listen and
let other people direct my life, I should not do things just to please them,
because if I’m going to look at it in a different angle, it can be seen that
I’m doing things that will make me more favorable for other people. Maybe I
should get a life, funny as it is, I really think I need that, it doesn’t mean
I’ll stop being such a bookworm but rather I’ll use what I have learned from
fiction novels so that it can help me navigate my real social world.
I should be more open to other people, and
that maybe they are just waiting for me to open up. Seventh, maybe I’m the only
who is thinking that I look strong. I guess, I should view the world in a more
positive perspective, I think I’m so down for a bit now. A little enlightenment
is necessary. I think my frustration will stop occurring if I stop being such a
perfectionist, and that is I don’t know how. I could be better if I could just
loosen up a bit, and let life flow on how it is supposed to be, but still I
should be alert but I should not forget to have fun. I need to remind myself
that having a bad day doesn’t mean that I have a bad life, and someone,
somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Lastly, maybe I should just
stop ranting and try to listen to others once in a while.
