The Confused Alpha Female Inside Me

 

Phase 1- My Story

In a world where no one understands you, it is difficult to live. In a world where they call you a b**ch because you are domineering, it is degrading. In a world where no one understands your idea and classifies you as a nerd, it is discouraging. In a world where your passion is not accepted as being normal, it is demeaning. In a world where being sarcastic is called as having a smart mouth, it is suffocating. Being an assertive female, intellectually competent, powerful or in short an alpha female, believe me they will call you every negative name they can think of.

They all say that I have no social life, that my life is boring, because I rarely went out with them to have a drink or just to hang-out, because the free time I have I dedicate that to cope up with my sleep, or to do the tasks ahead of time so as to not cram on the day it is due or most of the time I help my family with our business. I do know that my social life is not something to be worthwhile for other people.  

 I don’t even know why I’m ranting right now and not just tell you what I’m supposed to tell you, I guess it is hard because I don’t know how. What is my life story right now, apart from the thesis we are making and the struggle of being an Octoberian graduate (hopefully)? Maybe I just want to tell you, how frustrated I ‘am right now. I’m so frustrated at myself for being frustrated most of the time; I know it is confusing but it is really like that. I always think that there is something wrong with me, that my friends is staying away from me because there is something wrong with me or I did something wrong with them, I think I’m becoming so frustratingly suspicious at everyone. Another thing, I easily get angry, mostly because of stupidity (I really hate stupidity), that is why when people asks me stupid question, I really pray so hard that it will not hit a nerve in me because I’ll just lose it (which happens most of the time), I’m so impatient and so frustratingly perfectionists, not really the stereotype perfectionists everyone thinks but for me as long as it can be perfected, then do it, I don’t like getting the job done for the sake of getting it done, I want it to be presentable enough. And lastly, I get frustrated because I can’t find anyone who can understand why I am like this.  These characteristics I have are frustrating on my part and I know with other people too.

In a nutshell, I’m extremely moody and lonely. One moment I’m happy and next I’m exasperated. And most of the time, I’m sad. Most of the time I think lowly of myself, I always think I’m not good enough, I do not know if it because I’m so burn out of finishing my degree or is it because that I think that after this degree, I have bigger problems to face or is it just there is something wrong with me or maybe because I don’t know where to put myself in this smug world. As you can see even my narration has its ups and down, one moment I’m so proud of myself and then, I’m not. I’m aware but I just do not know how to stop myself or if I should stop myself. Most of the time, I’m thinking of just ending it. But then, a thought will pop out of my head and tell me that it is not worth it and I still have a lot to do.  

            Or maybe I have been departed from my books for a long time now, that I have no time to unwind. Or maybe I’m just tired of this life, because I think nobody understand me, because they all think that I’m not capable of being wrong and that I should not do anything wrong, that I’m tough enough to handle my problem, but maybe they are all wrong, even the tough ones’ crumble too. I just hope someone will see that even though I look so strong that inside I’m already broken and fragile.

Phase 2- Reconstructing

In a world where no one understands you, it is difficult to live but it doesn’t mean you have to stop living, so live. In a world where they call you a b**ch because you are domineering, it is degrading but still put your head up high someone will look up to you, just wait. In a world where no one understands your idea and classifies you as a nerd, it is discouraging but don’t give up, great ideas comes from great minds. In a world where your passion is not accepted as being normal, it is demeaning but continue being passionate it is part of the process of being successful. In a world where being sarcastic is called as having a smart mouth, it is suffocating but still speak up and let the world hear your voice, after all sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Being an assertive female, intellectually competent, powerful or in short an alpha female, believe me they will call you every negative name they can think of but it is alright names will be names, but influenced will have different repercussions, even Abraham Lincoln, the most famous U.S president has his own bashers but still he is the most influential president there is.

They all say that I have no social life, that my life is boring, because I rarely went out with them to have a drink or just to hang-out, because the free time I have I dedicate that to cope up with my sleep, or to do the tasks ahead of time so as to not cram on the day it is due or most of the time I help my family with our business. I do know that my social life is not something to be worthwhile for other people. But for me that is not enough, for me relaxation is reading a good novel, having fun is getting immersed with the story of the characters and socializing is seeing the perspective of other people through the different point-of-views I read. Others will not call it socializing but for me it can be categorized as one. And I dispute what they claim as ‘no social life’, I do have one, which is the time when I interact with them in school that is enough for me.

            I guess my life revolves around my dreams and my goals. I always make sure that whatever I do it is directed towards my goal, and that is to learn and to do my passions, which are reading and writing. That is why if I could have a choice of not finishing this degree without being judged by the society and without disappointing my parents, I would rather sit in a well-lit corner or library and read a book or finish the stories I’m writing. I try to have fun in school as long as I know I’m learning, because that is what I’m after and not the grades, though that is a plus factor for me.

            How would I correct myself? First, I would get some sleep; I guess my brain is creating unreasonable, illogical, out-of-this world thoughts that are surprisingly devastatingly written like that. And if sleep will not alleviate me with these depressing thoughts, I think I should take a break for my mind and soul. I need to relax, and that is I do not know how, maybe after this semester I could get that. Taking major subjects for one whole year, without any minor subjects is really tiring and can make a person think that things are hopeless.

Then, I think I just have to shut the voices in my head, I know it is hard but I think I need to do that before it is too late. Also, I should not listen and let other people direct my life, I should not do things just to please them, because if I’m going to look at it in a different angle, it can be seen that I’m doing things that will make me more favorable for other people. Maybe I should get a life, funny as it is, I really think I need that, it doesn’t mean I’ll stop being such a bookworm but rather I’ll use what I have learned from fiction novels so that it can help me navigate my real social world.

             I should be more open to other people, and that maybe they are just waiting for me to open up. Seventh, maybe I’m the only who is thinking that I look strong. I guess, I should view the world in a more positive perspective, I think I’m so down for a bit now. A little enlightenment is necessary. I think my frustration will stop occurring if I stop being such a perfectionist, and that is I don’t know how. I could be better if I could just loosen up a bit, and let life flow on how it is supposed to be, but still I should be alert but I should not forget to have fun. I need to remind myself that having a bad day doesn’t mean that I have a bad life, and someone, somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Lastly, maybe I should just stop ranting and try to listen to others once in a while.